Second Secrets

Hearing your voice gave me the chills down my spine. At first, I thought it was only just a dream. I didn’t believe what I was reading. I could not. All those questions that were floating through my head, all those doubts, thoughts, faults, were answered fully for once. I was wrong, from a long mile. Thank you. In all honestly, Thank you for being by my side at my worse, and listening to the stories of me shining. Maybe one day I can see you face to face, and tell you everything. Every bit of it, and detail. 

Today marks another stepping stone to my story. Sitting in a court room, waiting to hear my name over the loud speaker. Walking up, I can feel the shakes going through my legs, and the gut feeling as someone just punched me. It was official. I was on a full clear of my license. I was lucky. It could of turned out a lot worse, and I could of been on even longer of a suspension.

Life’s too short to be sitting around miserable. People are going to talk whether you are doing good or bad. 

True spoken words. It didn’t hit me until I heard this with my own two ears. And I told myself in the mirror, This is how life is. Why have I been chasing down everyone’s dreams of seeing me as they portrait? That’s wrong. This past year 1/2, I’ve been driven to prove to each and every one of those who thought wrong of me. Judged me by my appearance. Not on how I dress, but of what memories hold inside my head and heart. Just because I wasn’t raised by a religious or wealthy family, doesn’t make me any different than you. If I’m given the respect I give to you, we will get a long. I don’t care how you were raised, or on how much you screwed up in your life. Sure, it may reflect on how I look at you as a close friend or just simply someone I know. But to the point of me to talk ‘bad’ or judge upon? No. I would never. 

Everyone says it.
“How can anyone hate Joey?”
“You are one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met”
“You are respectful and sweet”

Which gets me thinking. It’s ought I brought myself to be raised, through my mothers training wheels on my life. I took over when I could speak and walk, and every second of my life, I know what’s right and wrong. I’m not saying I’m 100% nice and never rude, we all can be. But only when a reason has been given to me. Take a walk in my shoes, you’ll see what I’m speaking of. I have no shame in what I’ve done in my life. I may not agree looking back at the things I have done or dealt with. Today is who I forget, tomorrow is who I become. And this means? What we do, say, think, want, get, will be forgotten by tomorrow. Where we do the same exact idea, but only better. What you didn’t do better, you will achieve the following day. 

I was taking a walk through the park with my beer in my hand. A handful of others around me who I zoned out and I was lost in my mind. I couldn’t tell you how many thoughts were going through my head. I’m crawling in my own skin, trying to find myself again. It hit me. I’m almost at the peak of my life, where from here on out, I need to worry about my future. My life. My very own self, my greatest enemy; Me. I used to be dragged on the feeling of wanting to share my accomplishments with my significant other, to whom kept me on the right track. But sadly, is that really what I need? Can someone honestly bring that to my life? No matter how good something turns out to be, in the end, it’s always going to crumble in the palm of your hands. Deal with it, and accept it. 

These past few days, gave me an insight of opening my mind out. Releasing any stress off my shoulders, laughing about idiotic things, and smile about myself. Now, I’ve made it crystal clear to me. These demons I’ve been fighting with, for years and years are coming to an end. It’s been a struggle, a journey, but.. It’s been the ride of my life. And here I am, dealing with it all by myself. Shameful, but pleasant.  

You are foolish darling. You honestly are a damn fool. It’s swell though. I should of saw all of this, easily. Sit behind the face of a liar, and hold onto what you will have left. I was the best thing that happened to you, and you know it. I’m not one to brag, but drawing the line down the center, I gave you it all. What you wanted, you were given. For 6 months, I dealt with the amount of bullshit of being the ‘bad’ guy. When I did nothing at first, to be judged upon that. Sure, in the end, If you’d get technical, I did do damage. But isn’t that what makes us human? Christian? Religious? Talk and talk all you want about how the book says this, and that, and why. In reality, you are only a fucking hypocrite. And I hope you bite your tongue in the process of losing me. Next time you try to flood ideas into my head, they need to actually think before they speak. I know just as much as they do. Ever thought I was a Christian? I know what the bible says, I may not 110% fully go by it (I apologize), but when it comes to what’s inside of it, I know it. And nothing irritates me more, rather than seeing high and mighty go against it. And expect me to sit here quietly, and let them walk on top of me. Sorry, I’m nobodies fool, especially not a puppet. But it’s clearly not over, and I’m not going to sit here and wait to (In today’s generation) ‘bitch’ you out and start countless of drama. I want my shit back, and I’m going to get it in September. The calender is already marked and ready to go. And when that day occurs, you won’t even recognize what you have had and now, fully lost.

What happened? We used to live in a world where if it was broken, we’d fix it. Not throw it away. It seems like that’s the correct way now a days. It’s even easier to give up, rather than fighting for something close to you. Do we have any morals in this life anymore? Whether you are single, in a relationship, or even married, It has no limitations. No loyalty. Hpmh. And people wonder why I’m single.